The Vanderbilt Vendidad

Reflections on the 23-7 loss to the University of Mississippi Racists

This is my fifth column as Vandy Sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Vanderbilt and its fans: the odd couple

by Robert Funke

I have a few rules about fandom, especially Vanderbilt Commodore fandom.

Rule 1: There is no stronger bond a fan can possibly have with his team than that of a student or alumnus to his alma mater.

This rule is the very basis of collegiate sports. Every college team has a built-in fan base: its students. It’s so simple, and yet, for Vanderbilt students, it’s difficult. The amount of Vanderbilt students wearing Ol’ Miss attire to the game was horrifying. It is acceptable to be a fan of other teams. It’s even acceptable, when Vanderbilt plays those other teams, to feel like your loyalties are divided. But—but—but—never mind. Forget it.

You know what? I’m not even going to continue with this list of rules. I noticed VandySports.com’s Mike Rapp considered “The Students” part of the “Bad” in his weekly Good, Bad, and Ugly breakdown of the game. As a Vanderbilt loyalist, I, too, am often frustrated with our students. They show up an hour late, they leave an hour early, dress in irrelevant colors (as if they don’t make oxford shirts and ties in black or yellow), they are drunk, but not a fun way (a la LSU), they are easily distracted, they complain about forgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on first-and-ten) as if they were unforgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on third-and-ten).

But I’ve seen our student section get excited for Vanderbilt sports. I’ve seen them wearing black and gold. I’ve seen them knowledgeable about our team and players, and I’ve seen them chanting and cheering and thundering and hollering and doing every single thing that makes the SEC such a fun place for a sports fan. It happens.

Vandy fans go wild in two settings. The first, obviously, is basketball. The second is when we win.

We aren’t winning, at least not in the SEC. We aren’t even playing respectable football. Right now, Vanderbilt seems completely outmatched in the SEC. Here is the reason: We aren’t doing the little things well.

Any decent Commodore fan will cut the team some slack for not blowing the Rebels line off the ball every down, or for dropping the ball on a double reverse, or for not keeping both feet in bounds on a tricky sideline catch. We understand. We’re an underdog. Do the little things well, and we’ll be happy. And you’ll have a chance at winning, which makes us even happier.

Here are the little things we are not doing:

FOLLOWING THE RULES. Every offensive line in the country—nay, the universe—must stay still until the football moves. I would bet good money that the Commodores committed more false start penalties (6) this week than any middle school team in Nashville. Somebody fact-check me on that.

KICKING. Scoring record, schmoring record, Bryant Hahnfeldt was an inconsistent kicker. Ryan Fowler isn’t shaping up to be much better. In my fantasy universe, where all women are vampire slayers and all Vandy kickers make over 70% of their kicks under 40 yards, we are on a three-year bowl streak. And I can grow a beard.

THROWING AND CATCHING. I’ve been defending Larry Smith, and still feel that he’ll be a great quarterback someday, but good gawd. He missed some incredibly open receivers. To be fair, though, some of those open receivers couldn’t catch swine flu.

FIRING INEFFECTIVE STAFF. Our offense is bad. Who coordinates our offense? Ted Cain? Was the offense good last year? No? How about the year before? No?

Last week, Bobby Johnson and the team sent out a personal request (via InsideVandy.com) for students to show up early and get loud for the game.

My response: We were there. Where were you?

4 October 2009 • vanderbilt commodores larry smith fire ted cain fans loss

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Reflections on the 15-3 loss to the Mississippi State Bulldogs

This is my third column as Vandy sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Fixing a flaccid offense

by Robert Funke

My dear dog, the late Elmo, would excitedly mount other dogs, only to be reminded of his pathetic lack of testacles. He would then, without fail, let out a big sigh, watch me sing the alma mater, and stagger dejectedly away, confused about the source of his impotence. “It’s not your fault, buddy,” I wanted to say.

So who neutered the Vanderbilt offense? The answer, I’m afraid, is the same it has been for the last three years: offensive coordinator Ted Cain.

Since I got the job as the Vandy sports columnist at the Nashville Newzine, I’ve occasionally wondered how many columns it would be before I got a rant out towards Cain.

That number is two (2).

Let me preface this by saying that, to me, “Ted Cain” is a symbol, not a man. He is a symbol of “Vanderbilt’s offensive impotence.” Therefore, when I say, “I hate Ted Cain,” I mean “I hate Vanderbilt’s offensive impotence.” I have never met Ted Cain, and if I did, I would likely find him frustratingly pleasant and good-natured.

But since the end of the Jay Cutler era, I’ve found myself more and more obsessively fixated on the idea that this man, this Ted Cain, remains in the employ of Vanderbilt University. We have the worst offense in the SEC, and one of the worst in the country.

I say this now, of course, because of our performance against the mighty Bulldogs of Mississippi State. They came in unheralded. They pooped on our field. They rang their stupid cowbells. They gave their coach a Gatorade (excuse me, “G”) bath, and then they left.

Before I lose it completely, let me say that our defense played admirably yet again, despite being on the field twice as much as the offense. I like our defense against almost anyone in the conference. They play heroically. Now to the game notes:

At the beginning of the third quarter, it was quite feasible that we could double our total offensive production in a single play. We had thirty-three (33) yards on twenty-nine (29) rushing attempts. I don’t put the numbers in parentheses because of grammar or protocol. I do it so that you see those numbers twice. We had more punts than first downs. I realized, at one point, that it seemed more likely for us to catch a pass on defense than on offense. Our only score was set up not by a drive, but by a fumble on the Mississippi State five-yard line (spoiler: it wasn’t a touchdown). Note to defense: just pick up the ball and run it in next time.

Prior to the opening game, the media seemed to believe that a no-huddle offense would somehow fix our offensive woes. Not true, friends. The no-huddle offense does little more than allow us a dozen punts per game. Our typical series gambit last year was “Draw, Draw, Pass, Punt” whereas this year’s is, “drawdrawpasspunt!”

After the game, the once-proud ‘Dores walked to the student section with the gait of poor Elmo, saddened that someone had removed their virility. It begs the question, “How bad must Vanderbilt’s offense be before someone is held accountable?”

Listen, Bobby. He may be a nice guy. Judging by the way we run up the score on cupcake teams, he could be a fantastic D-II offensive coordinator. But the man does not get results. People who don’t know football think this is your fault, but I know it isn’t. I’ve said it for three years now.

Fire Ted Cain.

20 September 2009 • football vanderbilt commodores fans mississippi state bulldogs offense fire ted cain

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Reflections on the 45-0 shutout of the Western Carolina Catamounts

The following is my first column as Vanderbilt sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine.

Hello. I love Vanderbilt sports. I don’t even love sports that much. But I love Vanderbilt sports. And I’m here at the Nashville Newzine to share that love with you. On with the show:

Something is different.

First shutout in a decade. First time two Vandy running backs have had one-hundred-plus-yard games in blah blah years. First time ever that they’ve both been true freshmen.

Sure, the Commodores took care of business Saturday, but that happens from time to time. They took care of business, but that isn’t the shocking thing. And that is the shocking thing.

The shocking thing is that it’s not shocking. Get it? OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!

Things are different. As I worked my way up the stands to my usual Vanderbilt football perch, I couldn’t help but realize that the student section looked a bit more spirited than usual. For once, I was too distracted by the black-and-gold attire to notice the occasional buffoon wearing a grease-stained pink oxford shirt with a lavender tie and crimson croakie. For once, I was convinced that the team for which this student section cheered wore black and gold football uniforms, not pink and green sundresses.

Now, you might take from my tone that I am a typical Commodore cynic, jaded by years of losing and unenthusiastic about the team, unconvinced by a bowl season that, let’s face it, had some uncharacteristically lucky breaks. I am not. Four years ago, Jay Cutler threw a football to Earl Bennett in a little town called Knoxville, Tennessee, and at that moment, everything changed. Vanderbilt beat the University of Tennessee, shaking from its back the losing-streak monkey that had humped us annually for over two decades.

It was a crocus peaking through the snow, signifying the end of winter, and if you’ll walk with me through this rather trite metaphor, the snow stayed on the ground for two more seasons before spring arrived and we won a bowl game last year.

I truly believe that it is a new season for Vanderbilt football.

The students wore gold. The young running backs moved like cheetahs on roller skates. The receivers caught passes like pigskin OB/GYN’s on roller skates. The offense scored points. The crowd did the wave (something I do not support, for the record, in any situation). Chris Marve (nickname: The Sticky Bandit) lived up to his hype. Larry Smith (nickname: The Present) looked great.

Vanderbilt, an SEC team, played like they belonged in the SEC.

The interesting thing to watch will be this: on a Saturday when it seemed that every SEC team was defecating all over lesser squads, Vanderbilt stood in the ranks of such typical bullies as Tennessee, Florida, Auburn (and, uh, Kentucky and Mississippi State and Arkansas and surely-they-can’t-be-that-good Ol’ Miss). Three teams had close games: Georgia, Alabama, and LSU. Georgia and Alabama had tough games; LSU alone surprised the country with its mortality.

I doubt they’ll still be on their heels Saturday. But who knows?

6 September 2009 • football larry smith fans vanderbilt commodores vols tennessee

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