Vanderbilt football ↘↖
Finding the perfect pump-up video.
Gametime tomorrow, and with stupid employment really dragging down my ability to craft a proper pre-game column, I just throw up a pump-up video and be done with it.
So first I did this,
and I got this:
And that’s cool and all, but not really what I was looking for.
Then I did this:
and I got this:
And I did the “watch 2 seconds, skip halfway through, see if anything crazy is going on,” thing, then I moved along.
Then I did this:
and I got this:
Which definitely got me pumped up (Linkin Park duh), but for equestrian sports.
So I did this:
and I got this:
and I’m happy.
Let’s do this, Dores.
The difference between being an underdog and being an underdog that people cheer for.
Clay Travis continues to be a good sportswriter.
Gut Feelings: Kentucky at Vanderbilt
I’m bound and determined to hold out hope for this team until the last possible moment. I really don’t think this team will end the year with only two wins. Surely they’ll find another.
Maybe it will be against Kentucky. That game’s set to start in a couple hours.
Unless you’re new to this site, or my writing in general, you’ve probably realized that I’m not much of a “statistics buff.” I typically formulate my opinions based on the winds that I’ve come to recognize about the Vanderbilt football program.
It’s a complicated series of hexes, demons, and bewitchings, and it’s the reason I started this blog (or, at least, the reason I named it the way I did). So. I’ve scattered the bones, I’ve rolled the dice, I’ve fired up my soothsaying machine, I’ve used the Ouija board, I’ve chanted, and HERE’S WHAT I’VE COME UP WITH:
We have a decent chance against Kentucky. Maybe 50-50.
Will it be a close game? Not necessarily.
Will our offense be any good? Probably not.
Will our defense be in top form? Maybe.
All pretty vague stuff. No real idea of how to call this game, the last game in which we are not staggering underdogs. So what good am I?
Okay, okay, okay. I’ll meditate a little harder. Here’s what I see:
- Warren Norman will have one kickoff return of over fifty yards, but he will not take it to the house. Our offense will not take advantage of the field position.
- Either Chris Marve or Myron Lewis will have a defensive touchdown.
- Either Zac Stacy or Warren Norman will rush for over 100 yards.
- Mackenzi Adams will be the second leading rusher.
- Kentucky will block one field goal. Or maybe an extra point.
That’s what my gut says. Here’s a more in depth explanation of why I’m having trouble committing to any kind of prediction:
Vanderbilt football operates according to a unique set of governing principles, chief among them being irony.
When did we beat Tennessee? When we had nothing to lose and they everything. Edge: Vanderbilt.
What must change in order for Vanderbilt to improve? Offensive coaching staff. Therefore, the offense could put on a clinic tomorrow, just to piss me off. Edge: Vanderbilt.
I hate Kentucky fans, and I know that if we beat them tomorrow, they’ll just grin and say something stupid about basketball even though we’ve beaten them six of the last eight times we’ve played them. But frankly, Vanderbilt fans don’t care much about football right now, either. Edge: push.
I am pretty sure we’ll win one more game, and this one is certainly more winnable than next weekend’s. That’s a recipe for heartbreak. Edge: Kentucky, Tennessee.
We beat Kentucky last year. By Kentucky logic, they are thus invincible for a period of one (1) season, like when Mario loses a life. Unfortunately, Kentucky backwards, can’t-read-too-good logic actually works out pretty similarly to my Vanderbilt this-team-lives-to-spite-me logic, and thus there’s no way we’d beat them twice in a row. Edge: Kentucky.
Then again, that was in the pre-“Vandy’s our daddy” VU-SC series mindset. These things do happen under Bobby Johnson. Occasionally. Edge: Vandy.
In conclusion: I’m hopeful. But I just don’t know. I have a better feeling about this game than I did Army, though, so that counts for something. All together now: “Mehhhhh.”
Other People’s hard work - 11.12.09
Metaphor for Commodore football from here on out.
Today is a lovely day. It’s basketball season, the sun is shining, Vols are getting arrested, I have been selected from a field of literally a couple of people to be a Featured Columnist on Bleacher Report, and Hot Chip released a new jam. Let’s get started.
Baseball:
- I typically don’t post on baseball because it’s a sport I enjoy, but don’t follow closely enough to comment on. But Mike Minor and I shared a crush on our hot French teacher, so he gets all the nods he can. That said, he pitched poorly in the Rising Stars game, but should do well in the future.
- I include this piece from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, simply because it has the worst opening sentence I’ve seen in a non-Biddle newspaper piece in a while. Man, Biddle is bad.
Football:
- Warren Norman is good, you guys. So is kickoff returning in the SEC, in general.
- Mackenzi Adams. More like MehKenzi Adams. Am I right, people?
- Kentucky this weekend. We have a lot of injuries. So do they. Or rather, so did they.
- Kentucky star Randall Cobb is back. Let’s hope Greg Billinger makes him look like Corn on the Cobb, am I right people? Seriously!
- Chris Low picks against us. Fine.
- Vanderbilt has nothing to lose, and UK’s Rich Brooks really really doesn’t want his team to forget that. Kentucky has won six of the last eight meetings, making them as dominant in the football series as we are in the basketball one.
- Bobby Johnson speaks up on behalf of speaking up against officials. The Tennessean’s David Climer thinks this is a big deal. But considering these figures, the fines probably aren’t worrying Lane Kiffin and Urban Meyer.
- John Cole is awesome, and he wants to poop on the Wildcats. I say let him.
Basketball:
- Vanderbilt won its exhibition. I provided only spirit animals, but here is my more detailed breakdown:
- John Jenkins is good, and the crowd loves him. Jeff Taylor is great. Festus is better than expected. Walker is better than expected. Tinsley is better than expected. Tchiengang is better than expected. Ogilvy was not as good as expected, but should get better.
That’s all for now. Buenos dias.
Vanderbilt Stuns Gators With Non-mortifying Margin of Defeat; Caring About Football Getting Difficult
Originally published Bleacher Report.
If you watched Saturday’s gridiron matchup, you heard the crickets in Benny Hill Griffin Stadium as the nation’s top team ended the first half, only defeating Vanderbilt, or in AnybodyElseInTheSEC-speak, “the rocket-scientists’ intramural squad,” by a score of 13-0.
And if you watched Saturday’s matchup, you saw one of the nation’s better defenses (seriously) give up 27 points to one of the nation’s best offenses, while one of the nation’s best defenses held The Worst Offense In The History Of Football (Except For Last Week When They Weren’t That Bad [But Maybe That Was A Fluke]) to a single field goal.
And it pissed the Gator Nation off.
They were out for blood; they didn’t get so much as a single eyeball. By the way—I think that was the first game that Warren Norman has worn a face shield. If I’m not wrong, kudos on the wit, Warren.
It was another moral victory, bringing Vanderbilt’s moral-winning streak to three. Chris Low opened the last entry of his power rankings with “Give the Commodores (2-8, 0-6) some credit.” See? They’re getting credit!
And if the team gets a win against Tennessee in two weeks, this abysmal year will suddenly become one of my three favorite Vandy football seasons of all time. Because I hate the Vols so very much.
Speaking of hating so very much, how about them Wildcats?
If Vanderbilt gets a win against Kentucky, I’ll be pleased, so long as it isn’t an offense-dominant game, which may undermine efforts to “market away” offensive coordinator Ted Cain. (Note: I prefer not to ask for people to be “fired.”)
But I’m having trouble getting fired up to play football against Kentucky with the Vols on deck and basketball season beginning tonight.
First, the Vols: I was raised in Kingsport, Tennessee, the thick of Vol Country (see Google Trends for proof), as a Vanderbilt fan. That’s like growing up a Vol fan in a place where UT football is insignificant, disrespected, and laughable. Somewhere like Gainesville.
Imagine the hatred I have for the Big Orange. It’s unhealthy. I could describe it in thousands of colorful ways, but I’m trying to make a bigger point.
My bigger point is that—and I cannot stress the magnitude of this statement enough—I’m beginning to hate Kentucky basketball more than I hate Tennessee football.
Maybe UT football isn’t getting to me because their season has been so pathetic. (So maybe Jonathan Crompton had a big game against Memphis. Check the score of the Vandy-Western Carolina game, chumps.) But to that I say: Kentucky basketball has been pathetic-to-average for the last four years.
And not only average, but arguably worse than Vanderbilt basketball. Vanderbilt won six of the last eight meetings with the Wildcats.
And yet, suddenly, a big recruiting year and the firing of a coach and they’re expected to be an unstoppable force. As if “Billy Gillespie” and “Gardner-Webb” and “2007-08” never happened. While their status as “most obnoxious” may be arguable (barely), their status as “most delusional” is further cemented daily.
And that’s whom the Dores (football) play this weekend. Kentucky fans are already counting it a “win,” which is fine with me. SEC football is full of popular-opinion upsets. Have I seen enough from Vandy to think we’ll get the win? Not really. After exceeding expectations (but losing) losing weeks in a row, it would be reasonable to expect a loss—but silly to assume one.
And if Vanderbilt does happen to find that elusive W on Saturday, they’ll hear plenty moans of, “wait for basketball season” from the UK fans. If this happens, Commodore fans should follow their basketball team’s lead, and smile quietly. Commodore fans are waiting. They’re waiting patiently; they’re waiting quietly. And they think it will be worth the wait.
Because Vanderbilt fans, the loyal, hopeful, tragic bunch that they are, now temper their disappointment in a football season that seemingly will not end with hope in a basketball season yet to begin.
Commodore Keys to Victory, Part II: Florida
I’ve done a little thinking on my previous keys to victory, and I decided they weren’t quite specific enough. So I’m presenting a second set of keys to victory.
What’s it going to take for the Commodores to beat the Gators today?
1. Deus ex machina
As everyone knows, Tim Tebow credits his football success to God. If a particularly pious Vanderbilt player (I nominate Jared Hawkins) can out-pray Tebow before the game, then perhaps, finally, God can find a football team He wouldn’t mind defeating His beloved Gators.
2. Mascot tomfoolery
I’ve said before, if we could manage to procure 49 more Big C costumes, we could completely freak out the Gators.
3. Wizardry
If Udom Umoh is, as I have always suspected, a warlock, then a win today will require all of his conjuring abilities. The trick here is not to let black magic interfere with Hawkins praying, as demonic forces could mingle with heavenly ones and create a “Constantine” situation.
4. The Wave
Nothing ruins a home team quite like The Wave. If a Vanderbilt operative (I nominate Mr. C) can successfully get Florida fans to do The Wave, Florida will surely realize that their fans aren’t paying attention to the game, assume that they’ll win, and would rather their team fall apart and lose, because the wave is, simply, the worst. [sentence: accomplished]
5. Eye Shields
I expect Florida will rally behind ousted eye-gouger Brandon Spikes, which means they will likely attempt to show tribute to him by poking the crap out of Commodores’ eyeballs. If Vanderbilt players hope to keep their vision, they’ll need eye shields.
Commodore Keys to Victory: Florida
Here’s what I think the ‘Dores will need to pull off the big upset win and snap their five-game losing streak with a win over a team on a couple-dozen-or-so-game winning streak:
1. Defense!
Don’t let Florida score much. Florida’s offense has scored a ton of points in their last seventeen wins. In fact, they’ve only won one game by less than ten points. So the first key for the Commodores is: Hold the Gators to very few points. How few? That depends on the second key.
2. Offense!
Score a jack-ton of points. If Vanderbilt can score a ton of points—more than the defense allows from the Gators—Vanderbilt has a great shot at winning this game. For example, if the defense allows 12 points from Florida, Vanderbilt will need to score at least 13 to win. If the defense allows 48 points, Vanderbilt needs at least 49. And so on.
3. Special Teams!
Warren Norman must end every special teams play the same way: ball in hand, in the endzone, being careful not to dance. I don’t care if this is Vandy’s kickoff return team, punt return team, kickoff team, punt team, or field goal block team, the same thing needs to happen. Norman, ball in hand, in the endzone, getting hugged.
4. Field position!
As all Commodore fans know, the team that punts the most wins, nearly every time. The ‘Dores simply must find a way to get the ball into Brett Upson’s hands.
5. Trick plays!
Vandy should run more trick plays than conventional plays. A minimum of seven players should touch the ball on every first down. It’s this kind of outside-the-box play-calling that wins big upset games.
Special thanks to Lou Holtz for inspiring keys 1-3.
Handicapping the Gators
Heads-up. The ‘Dores don’t stand much of a chance against the top-ranked Gators.
But take away Gators top defensive player, captain, and eye-gouger Brandon Spikes. Do we have a chance then?
No? How about if you take away Gators head coach Urban Meyer. Do we have a chance then?
I doubt we’ll find out on the last one, but it’s nice to dream.
Leave me an answer. What handicaps would it take for us to be expected to win?
The Larry Smith situation
Larry Smith is, for all intents and purposes, out for the season with a pulled/torn hamstring. Thus is unfortunate for him, but one of very few injuries the Commodores can afford. Behind Smith is senior Mackenzi Adams, who is capable by this year’s standards, which are, unfortunately, low.
The bad:
- Smith seemed to be finally hitting his stride (no weak pun intended).
- Despite his whiteness, Adams is not a strong passing quarterback. I know! This is real life, folks, not a Wayans Brothers movie. In fact, he is more “mobile” than Smith, and has a weaker arm.
- New second-string option Jared Funk, despite having an exceptionally noble and dignified surname, is virtually untested.
- Vanderbilt players in recent history have not played well with major injuries: Chris Nickson, George Smith, Jeff Jennings, Jared Hawkins, Bryant Hahnfeldt (seriously, does anyone remember that guy’s freshman year?). This is also a fear with Zac Stacy’s forthcoming ankle surgery.
- Get ready for lots of QB draws.
The good:
- Adams is experienced and frankly deserves more opportunities than he’s had this year.
- As vehemently as I’ve defended Smith this year, I must admit that our offense played better Saturday than it has all year. That includes Smith’s pre-injury touchdown drive, though.
Worst-case scenario:
- New Adams is no more effective than Old Adams.
- We run QB draws on every single first down for the rest of the year.
- We lose all three of our next games by an average margin of a billion points.
- Larry Smith returns to square one next season.
- Mackenzi Adams’s dad, who looks like a professional wrestler, choke slams me for giving his son bad press.
Best-case scenario:
- Opposing defenses, like unfamiliar sportscasters and writers, assume that Adams is a “pocket passer,” as they assume Smith is especially “mobile,” and the inevitable deluge of QB draws actually works.
- Mackenzi Adams’s dad, who looks like a professional wrestler, choke slams a Kiffin.
- We win one more game.
- Smith, forced back to square one, is effectively pushed by Charlie Goro next year, and one or both of them develop into their full potential.
![[rffunke]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/avatar_e06edc46f4d7_30.png "Robert F. Funke (rffunke)"){kind=avatar}
![[greguthrie]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/avatar_f0190b8968f5_30.png "Untitled (greguthrie)"){kind=avatar}
![[theblacksmith]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/avatar_8b92762268dd_30.png "The Blacksmith (theblacksmith)"){kind=avatar}
