The Vanderbilt Vendidad

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The Larry Smith situation

Larry Smith is, for all intents and purposes, out for the season with a pulled/torn hamstring. Thus is unfortunate for him, but one of very few injuries the Commodores can afford. Behind Smith is senior Mackenzi Adams, who is capable by this year’s standards, which are, unfortunately, low.

The bad:

  • Smith seemed to be finally hitting his stride (no weak pun intended).
  • Despite his whiteness, Adams is not a strong passing quarterback. I know! This is real life, folks, not a Wayans Brothers movie. In fact, he is more “mobile” than Smith, and has a weaker arm.
  • New second-string option Jared Funk, despite having an exceptionally noble and dignified surname, is virtually untested.
  • Vanderbilt players in recent history have not played well with major injuries: Chris Nickson, George Smith, Jeff Jennings, Jared Hawkins, Bryant Hahnfeldt (seriously, does anyone remember that guy’s freshman year?). This is also a fear with Zac Stacy’s forthcoming ankle surgery.
  • Get ready for lots of QB draws.

The good:

  • Adams is experienced and frankly deserves more opportunities than he’s had this year.
  • As vehemently as I’ve defended Smith this year, I must admit that our offense played better Saturday than it has all year. That includes Smith’s pre-injury touchdown drive, though.

Worst-case scenario:

  • New Adams is no more effective than Old Adams.
  • We run QB draws on every single first down for the rest of the year.
  • We lose all three of our next games by an average margin of a billion points.
  • Larry Smith returns to square one next season.
  • Mackenzi Adams’s dad, who looks like a professional wrestler, choke slams me for giving his son bad press.

Best-case scenario:

  • Opposing defenses, like unfamiliar sportscasters and writers, assume that Adams is a “pocket passer,” as they assume Smith is especially “mobile,” and the inevitable deluge of QB draws actually works.
  • Mackenzi Adams’s dad, who looks like a professional wrestler, choke slams a Kiffin.
  • We win one more game.
  • Smith, forced back to square one, is effectively pushed by Charlie Goro next year, and one or both of them develop into their full potential.

2 November 2009 • Larry Smith Mackenzi Adams Vanderbilt Football

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Reflections on the 56-31 moral victory over Georgia Tech

This article was originally published at the Bleacher Report.

Vanderbilt spent the first half of its season losing games and disappointing fans.  Today, after two games in a row of losing games and impressing fans, things are looking up.

Vanderbilt played three quarters of impressive offensive football, and one and a half quarters of flippy-flappy fumbly-bumbly whoopsieball.

But you know what?  Vanderbilt fans—at least the good ones—walked away from Dudley Field with heads held high, because Vanderbilt scored their second moral victory in a row.

Last year, moral victories were a despised unwelcome house guest. But as Joni Mitchell (or the Counting Crows featuring Vanessa Carlton, depending on your generation) sang, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

Here’s how the ‘Dores exceeded expectations Saturday:

  • Plenty of people expected Vandy to lose by 25 or so points, but they probably expected a score of 35-10. The offense, quite simply, got it together.  They drove, they completed passes, they converted on third down, they scored touchdowns, they made field goals, they broke off the occasional big pass or huge run.
  • Warren Norman matched the SEC single-season record with his third kickoff returned for a touchdown. As a freshman. He also leads the league comfortably in all-purpose yards with a whole freaking lot. Excuse me for not spending twenty of my precious minutes checking box scores with a calculator! I’m not getting paid for this, you know.
  • Larry Smith started strong, then pulled a hamstring, but really, truly, genuinely seems to be getting better. And senior Mackenzi Adams played well off the bench, which should sate the crotchety message-board posters for a while.
  • Vanderbilt played like the Music City Bowl team, which is to say, like relentless opportunists. Greg Billinger forced a fumble at the Georgia Tech 3-yard-line, which was picked up by John Stokes, who played with noticeable juice in the tubes. Udom Umoh had a highlight-reel-worthy catch-and-run, coming off an errant Adams pass tipped by a Tech linebacker.
  • Vanderbilt wanted to win the game, and played like they wanted to win the game. You know, for three quarters.

I said before the game that, in order for Vanderbilt to have a chance, they would need zero mistakes. And, at least on the offensive end, the first three quarters were—if not mistake-free—mistake-lite.

Frankly, I’ll take it. And so will most Vandy fans.

Because three quarters of good offensive football is three quarters more than Vandy fans have gotten to watch in some time.

So what about the defense? Georgia Tech put up 56 points. Aren’t we a defensive team?

You know what? Shut up. The defense played three quarters of the best football they could have been expected to play against an offense like Georgia Tech’s. Yes, they fell apart, but do you know what stat makes it forgivable? (WARNING: RESEARCH ALERT) Time of possession.

The defense was on the field fifteen seconds shy of forty minutes. So their collapse was technically the offense’s fault, just like it has been all year. The difference? The offense was scoring enough points to take some of the pressure off. And seriously, Tech punted four times, which is four more times than I expected.

And who would have guessed the Commodore defense would force the Yellow Jackets topass (some)? I figured the Jackets wouldn’t have to resort to trick plays!

Ultimately, the Vanderbilt defense couldn’t handle the added pressure of all the offense’s turnovers in the fourth quarter, but I forgive both of them. Three quarters of great football ain’t bad.

So what about the fourth quarter?

Seriously, shut up.

1 November 2009 • Vanderbilt Commodores Vanderbilt Football You're safe for now Cain. Warren Norman Zac Stacy Larry Smith Mackenzi Adams Udom Umoh

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Reflections on the 34-10 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs

This is my seventh column as Vanderbilt sports columnist for the Nashville Newzine

Things are looking up!

by Robert Funke

Sorry for the delay. I was busy crying in the shower and stroking my framed photograph of Shan Foster for most of Sunday and Monday.

Okay, okay, okay.  The Bulldogs sniffed, walked in tight circles, grit their teeth, and pushed out a stanky dookie right on Dudley Field.  Listen to what I’m about to say.  These are the facts, and the only person who can prove me wrong is the Commodores.  I’m okay with that sentence.

-Vanderbilt football is awful. Vanderbilt defense is good enough to win plenty of games, given an even mildly potent offense.  However, our offense is lightyears from “mildly potent.”

-As Vanderbilt defense is to Vanderbilt offense, so Larry Smith is to the rest of the offensive unit. He’s good enough to win us a few games, were he given an offensive line that could protect him for more than a blink. Unfortunately, our offensive line couldn’t block a rushing attack from the surviving Allman Brothers, who, it seems, would offer a more effective pass rush than Western Carolina.  Perhaps our offensive line struggles because of injuries.  What’s your point?

Blanket cynicism aside, the team showed great improvement Saturday. There is no doubt in my mind that the team that showed up against Georgia could have handled Army (who sandwiched their victory over the Commodores between whole wheat defeats at the hands of Tulane and Temple) and Mississippi State.

-Our receivers dropped a lot of passes.  However, in an interesting twist, they also caught some passes.  Improvement: receivers.

-Our play calling went from “terrible” to “not exactly terrible.”  Improvement: Jimmy Kiser.

-Brandon Barden has relatively good hands. Improvement: Larry Smith’s options.

-Despite the claims of nearly every sportswriter in the Southeast, Larry Smith is not an especially mobile quarterback. Don’t get me wrong; the guy’s not a turtle. But I’m tired of seeing reporters claim that he’s a hare. Improvement: ending racism in football.

-Jamie “Lockdown” Graham played receiver.  Results yet to be seen. Improvement: Larry Smith’s options. Danger: defense.

-Ted Cain remains a valuable and available candidate for employment in many lucrative fields including, but not limited to: non-Vanderbilt offensive coordination, literally anything else. Seriously, employers. Think about it. Improvement: the economy.

The game was closer than the score, which is sort of nice, in a “same-old-Vandy” kind of way.  But in a similar spirit, it’s time to focus on the bigger picture: basketball season.

The Commodores are blessedly off the radar. The only publication that gave us any credit this year is Athlon, which was awful sweet of them.  We are also highly ranked in SLAM and Lindy’s, two publications I have never seen with my own eyes.

Why is this awesome? I love a Vanderbilt team with incredible potential and low expectations. I, for one, can’t wait to place our veteran squad with new, improved depth and John Jenkins against Kentucky’s clique of barely-post-pubescent Calipari recruits. I would insult their intelligence/character, but I think “Calipari recruits” does the heavy lifting there.

Basketball. Basketball basketball basketball.  Improvement: my disposition

21 October 2009 • basketball football fire ted cain larry smith georgia Kentucky calipari

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Reflections on the 23-7 loss to the University of Mississippi Racists

This is my fifth column as Vandy Sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Vanderbilt and its fans: the odd couple

by Robert Funke

I have a few rules about fandom, especially Vanderbilt Commodore fandom.

Rule 1: There is no stronger bond a fan can possibly have with his team than that of a student or alumnus to his alma mater.

This rule is the very basis of collegiate sports.  Every college team has a built-in fan base: its students.  It’s so simple, and yet, for Vanderbilt students, it’s difficult.  The amount of Vanderbilt students wearing Ol’ Miss attire to the game was horrifying.  It is acceptable to be a fan of other teams.  It’s even acceptable, when Vanderbilt plays those other teams, to feel like your loyalties are divided.  But—but—but—never mind.  Forget it.

You know what?  I’m not even going to continue with this list of rules.  I noticed VandySports.com’s Mike Rapp considered “The Students” part of the “Bad” in his weekly Good, Bad, and Ugly breakdown of the game.  As a Vanderbilt loyalist, I, too, am often frustrated with our students.  They show up an hour late, they leave an hour early, dress in irrelevant colors (as if they don’t make oxford shirts and ties in black or yellow), they are drunk, but not a fun way (a la LSU), they are easily distracted, they complain about forgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on first-and-ten) as if they were unforgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on third-and-ten).

But I’ve seen our student section get excited for Vanderbilt sports.  I’ve seen them wearing black and gold.  I’ve seen them knowledgeable about our team and players, and I’ve seen them chanting and cheering and thundering and hollering and doing every single thing that makes the SEC such a fun place for a sports fan.  It happens.

Vandy fans go wild in two settings.  The first, obviously, is basketball.  The second is when we win.

We aren’t winning, at least not in the SEC.  We aren’t even playing respectable football.  Right now, Vanderbilt seems completely outmatched in the SEC.  Here is the reason: We aren’t doing the little things well.

Any decent Commodore fan will cut the team some slack for not blowing the Rebels line off the ball every down, or for dropping the ball on a double reverse, or for not keeping both feet in bounds on a tricky sideline catch.  We understand.  We’re an underdog.  Do the little things well, and we’ll be happy.  And you’ll have a chance at winning, which makes us even happier.

Here are the little things we are not doing:

FOLLOWING THE RULES. Every offensive line in the country—nay, the universe—must stay still until the football moves.  I would bet good money that the Commodores committed more false start penalties (6) this week than any middle school team in Nashville.  Somebody fact-check me on that.

KICKING.  Scoring record, schmoring record, Bryant Hahnfeldt was an inconsistent kicker.  Ryan Fowler isn’t shaping up to be much better.  In my fantasy universe, where all women are vampire slayers and all Vandy kickers make over 70% of their kicks under 40 yards, we are on a three-year bowl streak.  And I can grow a beard.

THROWING AND CATCHING.  I’ve been defending Larry Smith, and still feel that he’ll be a great quarterback someday, but good gawd.  He missed some incredibly open receivers.  To be fair, though, some of those open receivers couldn’t catch swine flu.

FIRING INEFFECTIVE STAFF.  Our offense is bad.  Who coordinates our offense?  Ted Cain?  Was the offense good last year?  No?  How about the year before?  No?

Last week, Bobby Johnson and the team sent out a personal request (via InsideVandy.com) for students to show up early and get loud for the game.

My response: We were there.  Where were you?

4 October 2009 • vanderbilt commodores larry smith fire ted cain fans loss

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Reflections on the 36-17 victory over the William Marsh Rice University Owls

This is my fourth column as Vandy sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Vanderbilt Triumphs over the mighty Owls of William Marsh Rice University

by Robert Funke

Vanderbilt wins.  No poop jokes this week.  No cheeky impotence comments, either.  Let’s just talk football.

Vanderbilt can win.  Vanderbilt can even run up big scores, as we have against Rice and Western Carolina.  But it would be lily-livered of me not to mention that the Catamounts and Owls have a combined record of 0-8, and beating up on C-USA teams is, frankly, the minimum expectation for an SEC team, no matter how apologetically underdogged we may be in our own league.

But we can win.  That much is clear now. The embarrassing loss to Mississippi State is slightly less embarrassing today, now that we’ve returned to .500 and Mississippi State fought valiantly against LSU and had a rather Vandy-esque moral victory this weekend.  But I’m not here to talk LSU football; I’m here to talk Commodore football.

First, I would like to commend our defense once more.  They are our rock and our shield, and any wins we get this year will be on their backs. The Commodore D was able to knuckle down against a pass-happy Rice offense that’s put up relatively respectable numbers against Oklahoma State and Texas Tech. Between Myron Lewis and Chris “The Sticky Bandit” Marve, the Commodores have filled D.J. Moore’s shoes, and perhaps then some.

So let’s talk offense.  Last week, I lashed out against Ted Cain, the Vanderbilt O.C. who, befuddlingly remains employed, week after week, year after year, please God, make it stop.  Bobby Johnson, obviously a reader of my columns, made it clear on Monday that it is not Cain, but quarterback coach Jimmy Kiser who calls our—time to walk the walk on my “No cheeky impotence comments” pledge—occasionally unimpressive plays.  For the record, even without Cain calling the plays, our offense must be better coordinated.

So. Here’s the rundown.

Larry Smith has the best arm the Vanderbilt QB position has had since Jay Cutler.  The problem: the man has NO touch.  Lord knows, our receivers can’t catch a ball that hits them in the hands too hard, so touch is something Smith will need to develop. Furthermore, Smith was far too easily harassed by the 170-pound pass rush attack that Rice threw our way.  Smith can be great, but he needs help.

First, our offensive line must play to the peak of their ability, every single down.  That’s a lot to ask of anyone, but so is a winning season.

Second, we need to use our receivers more effectively.  Smith has a big arm, so we should attempt more big plays.  Vanderbilt cannot win without aggressive passing, nor can we win, as we saw last week, without any catching.  Two of our biggest plays involved receivers: Udom Umoh’s 54-yard pass and John Cole’s fantastically smart reverse-play touchdown.  Unfortunately, we lack blazing speed in our receiving corps, so it’s tough to throw many big bombs down the field.  But it never hurts to try

Finally, we need to give our tailbacks a fighting chance.  All three of our top runners—Zac Stacy, Warren Norman, and the newly-rehabilitated Jared Hawkins—can dazzle, provided our receivers catch enough balls to deter defenses from cramming seven men in the box.

The things that made Commodore fans ill last week were far better this week, but our coaches need the confidence to “play to win,” as they say.  If you ask me, Larry Smith can be a great quarterback if we let him.  There are some pissed-off Rebels coming to town next week and I would rather have played them while they were still overrated, but such is life in the SEC.  I’ll see you at the game.

27 September 2009 • football vanderbilt commodores larry smith offense fire ted cain

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Reflections on the 45-0 shutout of the Western Carolina Catamounts

The following is my first column as Vanderbilt sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine.

Hello.  I love Vanderbilt sports.  I don’t even love sports that much.  But I love Vanderbilt sports.  And I’m here at the Nashville Newzine to share that love with you.  On with the show:

Something is different.

First shutout in a decade.  First time two Vandy running backs have had one-hundred-plus-yard games in blah blah years.  First time ever that they’ve both been true freshmen.

Sure, the Commodores took care of business Saturday, but that happens from time to time.  They took care of business, but that isn’t the shocking thing. And that is the shocking thing.

The shocking thing is that it’s not shocking.  Get it?  OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!

Things are different.  As I worked my way up the stands to my usual Vanderbilt football perch, I couldn’t help but realize that the student section looked a bit more spirited than usual.  For once, I was too distracted by the black-and-gold attire to notice the occasional buffoon wearing a grease-stained pink oxford shirt with a lavender tie and crimson croakie.  For once, I was convinced that the team for which this student section cheered wore black and gold football uniforms, not pink and green sundresses.

Now, you might take from my tone that I am a typical Commodore cynic, jaded by years of losing and unenthusiastic about the team, unconvinced by a bowl season that, let’s face it, had some uncharacteristically lucky breaks.  I am not.  Four years ago, Jay Cutler threw a football to Earl Bennett in a little town called Knoxville, Tennessee, and at that moment, everything changed.  Vanderbilt beat the University of Tennessee, shaking from its back the losing-streak monkey that had humped us annually for over two decades.

It was a crocus peaking through the snow, signifying the end of winter, and if you’ll walk with me through this rather trite metaphor, the snow stayed on the ground for two more seasons before spring arrived and we won a bowl game last year.

I truly believe that it is a new season for Vanderbilt football.

The students wore gold.  The young running backs moved like cheetahs on roller skates.  The receivers caught passes like pigskin OB/GYN’s on roller skates.  The offense scored points.  The crowd did the wave (something I do not support, for the record, in any situation).  Chris Marve (nickname: The Sticky Bandit) lived up to his hype.  Larry Smith (nickname: The Present) looked great.

Vanderbilt, an SEC team, played like they belonged in the SEC.

The interesting thing to watch will be this: on a Saturday when it seemed that every SEC team was defecating all over lesser squads, Vanderbilt stood in the ranks of such typical bullies as Tennessee, Florida, Auburn (and, uh, Kentucky and Mississippi State and Arkansas and surely-they-can’t-be-that-good Ol’ Miss). Three teams had close games: Georgia, Alabama, and LSU.  Georgia and Alabama had tough games; LSU alone surprised the country with its mortality.

I doubt they’ll still be on their heels Saturday.  But who knows?

6 September 2009 • football larry smith fans vanderbilt commodores vols tennessee

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