The Vanderbilt Vendidad

Fire Ted Cain ↘↖

Reflections on the 34-10 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs

This is my seventh column as Vanderbilt sports columnist for the Nashville Newzine

Things are looking up!

by Robert Funke

Sorry for the delay. I was busy crying in the shower and stroking my framed photograph of Shan Foster for most of Sunday and Monday.

Okay, okay, okay.  The Bulldogs sniffed, walked in tight circles, grit their teeth, and pushed out a stanky dookie right on Dudley Field.  Listen to what I’m about to say.  These are the facts, and the only person who can prove me wrong is the Commodores.  I’m okay with that sentence.

-Vanderbilt football is awful. Vanderbilt defense is good enough to win plenty of games, given an even mildly potent offense.  However, our offense is lightyears from “mildly potent.”

-As Vanderbilt defense is to Vanderbilt offense, so Larry Smith is to the rest of the offensive unit. He’s good enough to win us a few games, were he given an offensive line that could protect him for more than a blink. Unfortunately, our offensive line couldn’t block a rushing attack from the surviving Allman Brothers, who, it seems, would offer a more effective pass rush than Western Carolina.  Perhaps our offensive line struggles because of injuries.  What’s your point?

Blanket cynicism aside, the team showed great improvement Saturday. There is no doubt in my mind that the team that showed up against Georgia could have handled Army (who sandwiched their victory over the Commodores between whole wheat defeats at the hands of Tulane and Temple) and Mississippi State.

-Our receivers dropped a lot of passes.  However, in an interesting twist, they also caught some passes.  Improvement: receivers.

-Our play calling went from “terrible” to “not exactly terrible.”  Improvement: Jimmy Kiser.

-Brandon Barden has relatively good hands. Improvement: Larry Smith’s options.

-Despite the claims of nearly every sportswriter in the Southeast, Larry Smith is not an especially mobile quarterback. Don’t get me wrong; the guy’s not a turtle. But I’m tired of seeing reporters claim that he’s a hare. Improvement: ending racism in football.

-Jamie “Lockdown” Graham played receiver.  Results yet to be seen. Improvement: Larry Smith’s options. Danger: defense.

-Ted Cain remains a valuable and available candidate for employment in many lucrative fields including, but not limited to: non-Vanderbilt offensive coordination, literally anything else. Seriously, employers. Think about it. Improvement: the economy.

The game was closer than the score, which is sort of nice, in a “same-old-Vandy” kind of way.  But in a similar spirit, it’s time to focus on the bigger picture: basketball season.

The Commodores are blessedly off the radar. The only publication that gave us any credit this year is Athlon, which was awful sweet of them.  We are also highly ranked in SLAM and Lindy’s, two publications I have never seen with my own eyes.

Why is this awesome? I love a Vanderbilt team with incredible potential and low expectations. I, for one, can’t wait to place our veteran squad with new, improved depth and John Jenkins against Kentucky’s clique of barely-post-pubescent Calipari recruits. I would insult their intelligence/character, but I think “Calipari recruits” does the heavy lifting there.

Basketball. Basketball basketball basketball.  Improvement: my disposition

21 October 2009 • basketball football fire ted cain larry smith georgia Kentucky calipari

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Reflections on the 13-16 loss to the Army Black Knights

This is my sixth column as Vandy sports columnist for the Nashville Newzine

Modest proposals for Vanderbilt Football

by Robert Funke

How does a sports columnist approach a defeat at the hands of Army, especially when the reasons for defeat were the very same things that have plagued us all season long?  Things like an impotent offense that magically seems to get worse with practice? Things like another dozen penalties?

First: congratulations. To myself. Last week, I correctly identified the problems in our offense. I also correctly identified our strengths. I am a great Vanderbilt sports columnist. Tell your friends.

Second: write a column. I did some soul searching. I felt like I had three choices for how, exactly, to approach this thing.

Option 1: A cuss-word-filled tirade against Ted Cain, who makes a very qualified applicant for any job that isn’t “Vanderbilt Offensive Coordinator”—keep an eye on this one, potential employers!* Nope. Did that a couple weeks ago.

Option 2: Start talking about basketball season. This was a tempting option, but I think I’ll hold off at least another week.  Vanderbilt doesn’t do “hype” well.

Option 3: Babble inanely about ways to make our team more successful that have nothing to do with coaching, athletic skill, or strategy.

Bingo.

First idea: Let’s talk mascots. I love Mr. Commodore as much as the next guy, but frankly, he’s not getting the job done. I’ve come up with two alternate mascots: the Vanderbilt Blacksmiths (Smithie the Blacksmith) and the Vanderbilt Vampires (Count Cornelius).  For more detailed plans of my proposed mascot rebranding, visit VandyVendidad.tumblr.com.

Next idea: Also mascot-related. A couple years ago, Vanderbilt debuted “Big C,” a large, inflatable, Big-Boy-esque rendition of Cornelius Vanderbilt. Like the Sarah Palin of Vanderbilt athletics, he’s a polarizing, but nonetheless entertaining, figure. He’s wacky! What’s he going to do next? Stand in front of the student section, obstructing the students’ view of a game-changing play? Bounce upside-down on his head? Run around and look crazy? It doesn’t matter what he does; it’s always going to be terrifying.

Because Big C is creepier than your Uncle Paul. Which is why I propose we buy 49 more Big C costumes.

Imagine an army of FIFTY BIG C’s, running around the field, bouncing on their heads, convulsing on the ground! It would freak you out! Lane Kiffin would think someone slipped acid into his coffee! Think about it, boosters!

Final idea: Change the stadium. While I appreciate the time and money and enthusiasm that has gone into updating our facilities over the last few years, especially Dudley Field’s recent renovations, I think we’ve been going about things the wrong way.

Trying to make our football stadium more intimidating in the SEC is like trying to run a simple running offense against SEC defenses. We aren’t big enough for that. Seriously. You dolts. So how can we leverage Vanderbilt’s unique offerings into a more threatening home field environment?

Solution: Memorial Magic.

I propose we start playing football games on Ingram Court in Memorial Gymnasium.  Think about it. Memorial Gym is our single greatest asset. It throws off other basketball teams with its unique raised court, odd goal-post placement, and bench location.  Think of what it could do to football teams! Have you ever tried to wear football cleats on a wooden surface? Good luck!

Our students can get loud in Memorial. Imagine trying to hear a snap count with cries of “Walsh You Suck!” thundering across the mezzanine. Nearly impossible.

That’s my brainstorm.  Granted, these proposals are unorthodox. But since when does Vanderbilt go about sports according to orthodoxy? We’re revolutionary, remember? Less than a decade ago, we dismantled our athletic department!

I’ll see you at the homecoming game.

*As a sympathetic member of the country’s booming unemployment sector, I’ve decided to stop calling for Mr. Cain to be fired, and instead call for someone else to hire him away from Vanderbilt.

12 October 2009 • Army black knights Vanderbilt Vampires Vanderbilt Blacksmiths Fire Ted Cain football Vanderbilt Commodores loss football

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Reflections on the 23-7 loss to the University of Mississippi Racists

This is my fifth column as Vandy Sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Vanderbilt and its fans: the odd couple

by Robert Funke

I have a few rules about fandom, especially Vanderbilt Commodore fandom.

Rule 1: There is no stronger bond a fan can possibly have with his team than that of a student or alumnus to his alma mater.

This rule is the very basis of collegiate sports.  Every college team has a built-in fan base: its students.  It’s so simple, and yet, for Vanderbilt students, it’s difficult.  The amount of Vanderbilt students wearing Ol’ Miss attire to the game was horrifying.  It is acceptable to be a fan of other teams.  It’s even acceptable, when Vanderbilt plays those other teams, to feel like your loyalties are divided.  But—but—but—never mind.  Forget it.

You know what?  I’m not even going to continue with this list of rules.  I noticed VandySports.com’s Mike Rapp considered “The Students” part of the “Bad” in his weekly Good, Bad, and Ugly breakdown of the game.  As a Vanderbilt loyalist, I, too, am often frustrated with our students.  They show up an hour late, they leave an hour early, dress in irrelevant colors (as if they don’t make oxford shirts and ties in black or yellow), they are drunk, but not a fun way (a la LSU), they are easily distracted, they complain about forgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on first-and-ten) as if they were unforgivable mistakes (like a running back getting tackled for a mere gain of three yards on a draw up the middle on third-and-ten).

But I’ve seen our student section get excited for Vanderbilt sports.  I’ve seen them wearing black and gold.  I’ve seen them knowledgeable about our team and players, and I’ve seen them chanting and cheering and thundering and hollering and doing every single thing that makes the SEC such a fun place for a sports fan.  It happens.

Vandy fans go wild in two settings.  The first, obviously, is basketball.  The second is when we win.

We aren’t winning, at least not in the SEC.  We aren’t even playing respectable football.  Right now, Vanderbilt seems completely outmatched in the SEC.  Here is the reason: We aren’t doing the little things well.

Any decent Commodore fan will cut the team some slack for not blowing the Rebels line off the ball every down, or for dropping the ball on a double reverse, or for not keeping both feet in bounds on a tricky sideline catch.  We understand.  We’re an underdog.  Do the little things well, and we’ll be happy.  And you’ll have a chance at winning, which makes us even happier.

Here are the little things we are not doing:

FOLLOWING THE RULES. Every offensive line in the country—nay, the universe—must stay still until the football moves.  I would bet good money that the Commodores committed more false start penalties (6) this week than any middle school team in Nashville.  Somebody fact-check me on that.

KICKING.  Scoring record, schmoring record, Bryant Hahnfeldt was an inconsistent kicker.  Ryan Fowler isn’t shaping up to be much better.  In my fantasy universe, where all women are vampire slayers and all Vandy kickers make over 70% of their kicks under 40 yards, we are on a three-year bowl streak.  And I can grow a beard.

THROWING AND CATCHING.  I’ve been defending Larry Smith, and still feel that he’ll be a great quarterback someday, but good gawd.  He missed some incredibly open receivers.  To be fair, though, some of those open receivers couldn’t catch swine flu.

FIRING INEFFECTIVE STAFF.  Our offense is bad.  Who coordinates our offense?  Ted Cain?  Was the offense good last year?  No?  How about the year before?  No?

Last week, Bobby Johnson and the team sent out a personal request (via InsideVandy.com) for students to show up early and get loud for the game.

My response: We were there.  Where were you?

4 October 2009 • vanderbilt commodores larry smith fire ted cain fans loss

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Reflections on the 36-17 victory over the William Marsh Rice University Owls

This is my fourth column as Vandy sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Vanderbilt Triumphs over the mighty Owls of William Marsh Rice University

by Robert Funke

Vanderbilt wins.  No poop jokes this week.  No cheeky impotence comments, either.  Let’s just talk football.

Vanderbilt can win.  Vanderbilt can even run up big scores, as we have against Rice and Western Carolina.  But it would be lily-livered of me not to mention that the Catamounts and Owls have a combined record of 0-8, and beating up on C-USA teams is, frankly, the minimum expectation for an SEC team, no matter how apologetically underdogged we may be in our own league.

But we can win.  That much is clear now. The embarrassing loss to Mississippi State is slightly less embarrassing today, now that we’ve returned to .500 and Mississippi State fought valiantly against LSU and had a rather Vandy-esque moral victory this weekend.  But I’m not here to talk LSU football; I’m here to talk Commodore football.

First, I would like to commend our defense once more.  They are our rock and our shield, and any wins we get this year will be on their backs. The Commodore D was able to knuckle down against a pass-happy Rice offense that’s put up relatively respectable numbers against Oklahoma State and Texas Tech. Between Myron Lewis and Chris “The Sticky Bandit” Marve, the Commodores have filled D.J. Moore’s shoes, and perhaps then some.

So let’s talk offense.  Last week, I lashed out against Ted Cain, the Vanderbilt O.C. who, befuddlingly remains employed, week after week, year after year, please God, make it stop.  Bobby Johnson, obviously a reader of my columns, made it clear on Monday that it is not Cain, but quarterback coach Jimmy Kiser who calls our—time to walk the walk on my “No cheeky impotence comments” pledge—occasionally unimpressive plays.  For the record, even without Cain calling the plays, our offense must be better coordinated.

So. Here’s the rundown.

Larry Smith has the best arm the Vanderbilt QB position has had since Jay Cutler.  The problem: the man has NO touch.  Lord knows, our receivers can’t catch a ball that hits them in the hands too hard, so touch is something Smith will need to develop. Furthermore, Smith was far too easily harassed by the 170-pound pass rush attack that Rice threw our way.  Smith can be great, but he needs help.

First, our offensive line must play to the peak of their ability, every single down.  That’s a lot to ask of anyone, but so is a winning season.

Second, we need to use our receivers more effectively.  Smith has a big arm, so we should attempt more big plays.  Vanderbilt cannot win without aggressive passing, nor can we win, as we saw last week, without any catching.  Two of our biggest plays involved receivers: Udom Umoh’s 54-yard pass and John Cole’s fantastically smart reverse-play touchdown.  Unfortunately, we lack blazing speed in our receiving corps, so it’s tough to throw many big bombs down the field.  But it never hurts to try

Finally, we need to give our tailbacks a fighting chance.  All three of our top runners—Zac Stacy, Warren Norman, and the newly-rehabilitated Jared Hawkins—can dazzle, provided our receivers catch enough balls to deter defenses from cramming seven men in the box.

The things that made Commodore fans ill last week were far better this week, but our coaches need the confidence to “play to win,” as they say.  If you ask me, Larry Smith can be a great quarterback if we let him.  There are some pissed-off Rebels coming to town next week and I would rather have played them while they were still overrated, but such is life in the SEC.  I’ll see you at the game.

27 September 2009 • football vanderbilt commodores larry smith offense fire ted cain

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Reflections on the 15-3 loss to the Mississippi State Bulldogs

This is my third column as Vandy sports columnist for The Nashville Newzine

Fixing a flaccid offense

by Robert Funke

My dear dog, the late Elmo, would excitedly mount other dogs, only to be reminded of his pathetic lack of testacles. He would then, without fail, let out a big sigh, watch me sing the alma mater, and stagger dejectedly away, confused about the source of his impotence.  “It’s not your fault, buddy,” I wanted to say.

So who neutered the Vanderbilt offense?  The answer, I’m afraid, is the same it has been for the last three years: offensive coordinator Ted Cain.

Since I got the job as the Vandy sports columnist at the Nashville Newzine, I’ve occasionally wondered how many columns it would be before I got a rant out towards Cain.

That number is two (2).

Let me preface this by saying that, to me, “Ted Cain” is a symbol, not a man.  He is a symbol of “Vanderbilt’s offensive impotence.” Therefore, when I say, “I hate Ted Cain,” I mean “I hate Vanderbilt’s offensive impotence.”  I have never met Ted Cain, and if I did, I would likely find him frustratingly pleasant and good-natured.

But since the end of the Jay Cutler era, I’ve found myself more and more obsessively fixated on the idea that this man, this Ted Cain, remains in the employ of Vanderbilt University.  We have the worst offense in the SEC, and one of the worst in the country.

I say this now, of course, because of our performance against the mighty Bulldogs of Mississippi State.  They came in unheralded.  They pooped on our field.  They rang their stupid cowbells.  They gave their coach a Gatorade (excuse me, “G”) bath, and then they left.

Before I lose it completely, let me say that our defense played admirably yet again, despite being on the field twice as much as the offense.  I like our defense against almost anyone in the conference.  They play heroically.  Now to the game notes:

At the beginning of the third quarter, it was quite feasible that we could double our total offensive production in a single play.  We had thirty-three (33) yards on twenty-nine (29) rushing attempts.  I don’t put the numbers in parentheses because of grammar or protocol.  I do it so that you see those numbers twice.  We had more punts than first downs.  I realized, at one point, that it seemed more likely for us to catch a pass on defense than on offense.  Our only score was set up not by a drive, but by a fumble on the Mississippi State five-yard line (spoiler: it wasn’t a touchdown).  Note to defense: just pick up the ball and run it in next time.

Prior to the opening game, the media seemed to believe that a no-huddle offense would somehow fix our offensive woes.  Not true, friends.  The no-huddle offense does little more than allow us a dozen punts per game.  Our typical series gambit last year was “Draw, Draw, Pass, Punt” whereas this year’s is, “drawdrawpasspunt!”

After the game, the once-proud ‘Dores walked to the student section with the gait of poor Elmo, saddened that someone had removed their virility.  It begs the question, “How bad must Vanderbilt’s offense be before someone is held accountable?”

Listen, Bobby.  He may be a nice guy.  Judging by the way we run up the score on cupcake teams, he could be a fantastic D-II offensive coordinator.  But the man does not get results.  People who don’t know football think this is your fault, but I know it isn’t. I’ve said it for three years now.

Fire Ted Cain.

20 September 2009 • football vanderbilt commodores fans mississippi state bulldogs offense fire ted cain

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