The Vanderbilt Vendidad

A message from the absurd amount of Australians to be playing tonight.

Good day. Good game day. Here are my thoughts:

It’s hard to go against my gut, which is telling me that “Mary” is a girl’s name, and girls are not a threat (except for makeouts; am I right fellas?). But my gut is also very hungry.

So rather than giving a full game breakdown and prediction, which is being done all around the media by people far more qualified and knowledgeable than me (to be discussed later this afternoon), I will instead make specific predictions about Vanderbilt players. Here they are:

Jermaine “Dolla” Beal: Beal will make all of his free throws. He will also shoot 5-8 from beyond the arc, and finish with double-digit assists. He will only commit two turnovers. He will have one highlight-worthy drive to the basket. He will not dance afterwards.

Jeffery “The Rocketeer” Taylor: Expect at least two (2) topical “balloon boy” analogies in postgame writeups, because Taylor will be jumping very high tonight, and Moraga, California is the topical humor capital of the West Coast. Taylor’s stats will finally catch up with his highlight reel. Expect 25 points, at least. He will unfortunately miss three free throws.

“Fun” Festus Ezeli: When it comes to Festus and shot-blocking, the question is not “if,” but “will any of the basketballs explode?” Here’s your answer: yes, but not how you expect.

A.J. “All Jamz” Ogilvy: This will be a very interesting night for Ogilvy indeed. Ogilvy seems to be in the process of shaking the rust off after a preseason interrupted with a concussion. As a result of that concussion, combined with the fact that five (5) of St. Mary’s players are fellow Aussies, Ogilvy will spend much of his time in the post yelling Australian trash talk: “Oy! Should’ve worn yah budgie smugglers, you might find a bondi cigar (“cigah”) in ‘em! You don’t know Christmas from Bourke Street, mate!” In a fit of what anthropologists call “Aussie Rage,” he’ll score impressively. Look for four (4) dunks and one bucket from beyond the arc, filled out with impressive post play. This performance will be marred, however, by several sloppy errors, several missed free throws, and a superfluous conversation with a referee about Olivia Newton-John. All six Australians will have to be asked to change out of khaki shorts before the game, and will stop the game for thirty minutes in the first half to go play sand volleyball. Lance Goulbourne will join them.

Brad “The Quiet Storm” Tinsley: Expect a quieter scoring night from Tinsley, a gifted, but skittish shooter. He’ll score 10, (two threes, a layup, and two of three free throws). A close analysis of the game, however, will lead to the undeniable conclusion that bad things just don’t seem to happen when he’s in the game.

Andre “Temperature” Walker: At the unveiling of his new Sean Paul-inspired nickname, walker will post a triple-double (12 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists).

Lance “[Monster Mash voice] Gho-o-u-l”bourne: No one will understand why, and there will be no video evidence of how it happened, but Lance Goulbourne will score 11 points and grab 6 rebounds in only 3 minutes of play, his PT cut short as punishment for joining in the sand volleyball game. Stallings will explain that he expected it from AJ, but Lance should know better.

John “Just John For Now” Jenkins: Many people expect Jenkins to light it up from beyond the arc, but I just don’t think he will. He will be a respectable 4-5 from beyond the arc, but his powers will be much diminished as he travels further from Tennessee, an affliction that similarly affects Lamar Alexander and the Dixie Chicks.

Steve “100 Proof” Tchiengang: 5 rebounds, 4 fouls, 3 blocks, 2 points, 1 shattered backboard.

There you go. I’ll end with a fun fact: Did you know that the “Mary” in “St. Mary’s” is actually not the Virgin Mary, but Mary J. Blige?